Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[making out]

ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*

GIRLFRIEND: omg really?

ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.

[interview]

What is your greatest strength?

“Throwing my voice”

You’re hired!

“Ok great, thanks”

Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good

According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.

[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.

Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.

They don’t give a fork.

I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.

When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.

Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.

Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?

It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”

Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:

[20 minutes after it stops raining]

ME: *turns off windshield wipers*

“When in doubt, drag it out”

– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies

Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.

If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.

[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat

Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?

Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?

Friends come and friends go.

Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.

And the ones that bring beer.

What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?

Sorry! My Fault!

He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave

Me: *wolf whistles*

Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.

My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.

Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?

Me: Buy stuff

Me: are you going to be a better listener?

Pause

5: maybe is the best I can do

Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.

An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.

THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed

Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that

[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]

THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.