I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
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I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
Thinking about Jeff