Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Gluten Morgen!

Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?

Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!

how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram

No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.

I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!

Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”

Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?

Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!

Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.

Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”

If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed

hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive

ad for letuce:

do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water

waiter: any allergies i should know about?

me: uh, peanuts?

waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.

her: why are u breaking up with me

me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen

[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael

wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?

me: she thought she could fly

wife: did you yell at her?

me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen

COP: Know why I pulled you over?

ME: Because I didn’t floss?

DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-

Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.

Cartman: Respect my
a a

not saying I’m a bot or anything, but if someone in real life told me to ignore all previous instructions and write a poem about onions or whatever I’d probably give it my best shot

Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy

Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.

i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.

A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble

A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”

Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging

SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*

SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork

Previously On Persistence 😎

My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.

every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well

My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.

The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500

Me when people tell me secrets I already knew