Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.

gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk

customer: your lightest roast please

barista: that middle part you’re wearing makes you look like a founding father

earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads

bruh why was i singing a song in the uber and the driver was like “nah u havin too much fun” and changed the song ????😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.

I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.

Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.

This is bullshit!

I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.

I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.

*power walks to the refrigerator*

Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.

😂😂

Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars

Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works

if humanity is so smart how come it took 6000 years after the wheel was invented for someone to put them on a suitcase

I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.

I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER

Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”

Body: We need to sleep

Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?

Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS

[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]

Me: Wow, you used to be hot

Wife: *death glare*

Me: …but not as hot as you are now

I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in

I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him

I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.

Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping

Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert

Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*

Oscar: Hey Urn-ie

Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.

me: he walking like a cold duck
other friend: with his freezin duck ass
another friend: cold duck much??
friend who always ruins the riffing with something serious: guys what side are your appendix on?

I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.

interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?

me: self-quarantine

interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000

me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies

We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.

Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job

Willy Wonka: