Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books

me: a carrot is a crop

friend: yes

me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top

former friend: i suppose

When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion

I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.

My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.

Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.

Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things

If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now

Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.

Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.

Cargo pants? Uhhhh no buddy, car go beep beep. You feeling alright man?

My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.

Um, a what now?!

This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH

For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.

I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.

Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?

[car dealership]

“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”

fred flintstone: i’ll take it!

It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.

when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch

when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program

Monday again. I just knew this would happen

Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?

Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about

What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?

me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone

wife: did you pee on the seat

me: maybe a little

bus driver: ok both of you off now

[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*

I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.

Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.

Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?

You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….

And it’s 8:25 p.m.

I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.

The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper