Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.

i shaved my chupacabra for this?

HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date

ME: kill?

HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect

ME: we are talking out loud

She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.

The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.

Eulogies are just goth stand-up.

“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”

Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted

Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.

*demon enters my body

*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist

Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?

[at quick clinic]

Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?

Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.

Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?

Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high

birds: it’s peaceful this morning

birds: maybe too peaceful

birds: let’s all scream at once

I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself

My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company

Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*

If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying

I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?

If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.

*points to Spanx*

My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:

“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”

pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms

I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started

Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”

I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?

She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.

~every 18 year old.

(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany

A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?

Saturday

Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.