Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.

I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.

there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job

Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.

We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”

Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.

*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*

Customers behind me: huffing and puffing

Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss

Watching drunk twins fight.

The similarities are staggering, and striking.

I buried one of those 12ft skeletons in my yard. Gonna make one hell of a true crime podcast someday.

things a whale might end an email with:

-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krill

things a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:

-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you

Probably the best newspaper correction ever

#BritishSausageWeek

A fake ID that makes you younger

“Office worker” stock photos are scary. Anyone grinning ear-to-ear at a PowerPoint presentation probably has an ex-boyfriend in her freezer.

🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂

STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.

If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.

I hate celery. 🤮🥴

when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch

You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.

BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it

My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear

I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity

Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease

I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese

“So you want a cheeseburger?”

Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad

I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.

[first day on SWAT team]

SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”

<door flies open>

Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene

I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.

My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.

I come from a family of failed magicians.

I have 2 half sisters