Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:

*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N

Maybe we should all just live our lives in a way that won’t piss off Kendrick Lamar

My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”

ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”

What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?

Good lord

i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera

ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure

[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something

Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS

Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to

I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.

Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling

Hahaha

I mean…it’s true!

#facts

#tattoo #tattoos #employability #funny #bananabeltbetty

PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?

Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.

My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.

[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.

First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.

Women: You didn’t need that rule.

A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”

A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”

Beep beep
Beep beep beep
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Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation

I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.

what the hell is this stain?

– a memoir

Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development

The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.

I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me

I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.

Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:

Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.

My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.

Adult. I was an adult.

I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.

I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.