Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.

Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.

And now we wait.

i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??

“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye

That time a cat set off an atomic bomb in my coffee

hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall

Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.

me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?

The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.

I saw your link on Facebook.

What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.

We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.

Whoever said “out of sight, out of mind” never had a spider disappear inside their tent.

We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.

My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.

I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.

[50 YEARS FROM NOW]

Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.

every raccoon you see is currently on parole

Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.

I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life

Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.

People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.

Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation

I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie

FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?

ME: doesn’t ring a bell

ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books

This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.

*leans forward*

*leans back*

*leans forward*

*leans back*

Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?

Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!

When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself

” What would Homer Simpson do?”

I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car

*sails into the Bermuda Triangle and disappears*

*an hour later*

7yo: Oh, there you are. Can I play video games?