me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
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They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
Food gives you energy to nap more.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.