Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: you should buy crypto

Me:

Them: ok sell it now

Me:

Them: nvm buy it back

Me:

Them: OMG SELL IT

Me: [pulls AirPods out] what

Her: Was your child gifted?

Me: No, we had him naturally

there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”

Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”

dispatch, i’m on scene here in the woods. victims name is fudd. damnedest thing i ever seen. his rifle’s bent so the barrel was pointin back at him. witness said a rabbit run off right after the shot. yeah his head is off at the shoulders, clean. get me next of kin if ya can.

He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.

I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”

I’ve just had to let my trousers out.

They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.

My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.

It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.

I’m about to put on a white shirt.

RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him

“Have you forgotten your password?”

Fish: 😔

Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.

“We are going to Taiwan”

Juan: No, please don’t!

people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle

College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?

Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY

The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.

Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.

What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.

Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.

Me: ok cool.

~6 mos later~

Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?

Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.

Ghost: [quietly sobs]

my mom: you still coming over today?

me: definitely

mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—

me: i cant make it

Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.

“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies

what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls

Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.

UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.

i did the math

When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.

I’m giving up for Lent.

My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.

I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.