Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.

The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.

Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.

I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email

[During sex]

Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting

Me: It helps me in bed

Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS

My grade school was so tough when we picked teams for dodgeball you had to be sure to get at least one kid with 1st aid training

[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?

ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met

WIFE: It was amazing

ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan

Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄

8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*

Being an adult is stupid.

5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.

Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?

When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.

Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.

me: [yawning] might get dressed today

coworkers in zoom meeting: please do

Social media is proof that even mental hospitals have WiFi.

The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?

I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.

Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.

Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA

I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.

I like the word amongst. That’s it.

Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.

Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.

I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.

Show yourself some self-love.

No. Not in public.

Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail

…again.

(Now in theaters)

I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down

Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body

8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.

Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.