me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
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Look at this
My hair dryer is so powerful that it doubles as my leaf blower.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
Finished stitching this today 😇
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
Hot Panini is in big trouble
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not