me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
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me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
They must have gotten it to go.
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
just got emotional imagining a worm emerging from its cocoon as a dragonfly and then got even more emotional remembering that’s not what they do
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
Be the one that gets asked to remove the hockey mask, during a conference call, on Friday the 13th.