Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange

Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life

Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster

My body feels like it’s aging in dog years

it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie

I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.

a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.

ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked

My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.

I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.

Well well well…

[ first day in retail]

me: can i help you find something

customer: im just window shopping

me: we don’t sell those

Where is your GOD now????

Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?

4 Year Old: Chocolate

Me: You really are my child.

Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.

Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?

“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”

I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous

Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything

Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?

Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead

Petition to rename deer to good will so deer hunters have to say they’re good will hunting. HOW DO YOU LIKE DEM APPLES

me: dating is hard

me on a date: the platypus doesn’t have teats so they sweat milk

Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient

I have never related to anyone more.

It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story

People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.

Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?

My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.

ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?

baking when u live alone is like ok i had my fun now what do i do with 28 cookies

What do we want?

A CURE FOR PARANOIA

When do we want it?

WHO WANTS TO KNOW

wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.