Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”

I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.

I’m still very hungry.

I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.

Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.

“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”

– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.

Quiz host: Your topic is music

Me: Yes!!

Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?

Me: You’ve got to be kidding me

If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.

[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no

Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.

🐟✨ #re4

I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.

sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance

of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people

Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.

I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night

Friend: Do you know karate?

Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.

i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself

I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.

[hs reunion]

JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital

If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now

How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh

Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”

“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”

– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon

My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!

Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.

ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.

i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin

Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.