Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.

I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there

[aquarium exit]

Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?

I beg your pardon?!

OPEN YOUR BAG

*opens bag and reveals two penguins*

If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.

Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.

Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.

I want you to meet my friend “Ami”

Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming

You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”

Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.

ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!

😂

ME: I’ll have the steak

WAITER: with pleasure

ME: um no, with steak sauce

Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.

Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?

[taking a hearing test]

DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard

ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work

DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones

You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.

I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.

Me: you are laundry, stop talking

Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”

I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits

Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling

#mondaymirth

Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack

Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot

Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster

The Cut is a psyop that was created so that whenever society feels extremely divided, we will receive a perfectly timed personal essay from someone so terrible, we will drop all our quarrels and come together for the purpose of cyberbullying them into oblivion.

I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about

“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.

Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.

drunk god: land clouds

angel: those are sheep

mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth

Cannibals don’t drink coffee.

They have a cup of Joe instead.

“I’m a night owl”

all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.

ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars

HER: what’s it called

ME: sorry, no spoilers