Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating

But I still bite the inside of my mouth

I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating

This one’s “Alex”.

*talking to a baby*

Me: Can you say ‘dog’

Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’

It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.

Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*

Engraved on my tombstone:

No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.

Especially at night.

Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……k

That’s how a good marriage works people.

[dark alley]

DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*

ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?

It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.

WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.

True embarrassment lies within your first email address

If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.

[mothers day]

Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.

Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.

My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.

my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life

At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?

Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.

*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*

Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.

You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.

Socialising is hard.

6yo: what do old people eat?

me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.

6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.

ME: I’m giving you to the count of three

SON: does he have a castle?

If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.

When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.

You find my yoga pants distracting…

…would you like me to take them off?

*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME

We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.

WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad

ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please