me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
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When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
Hey
@Boeing
, my neighbor Gary that mows at 8 am, is saying a lot of bad things about your company. DM me for address.
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?
Re-Morse code.
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
Interviewer: So tell me more about yourself.
Me: *can’t remember a single thing I’ve done in my entire life, ever*
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.