Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue

If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.

Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.

Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”

*Turns on laser*

*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*

This anagram machine is out of order.

Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*

Old man standing next to me: Ouch!

Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.

Ok Karma … I’m on to you.

I don’t want a million dollars

“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile

I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking

Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.

*gets up from couch after laying on it with eyes closed for 30 minutes*

Me: I’m going to take a nap.

Husband: Wasn’t that just what you were doing?

Me: That was a pre-nap. Time for the real thing.

Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.

This sounds bad:

I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.

Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.

Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.

I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.

It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?

I’m seeing someone new, and we’re at the stage where it’s all sunshine and lollipops and he hasn’t seen me eat a quesadilla like a hungry dinosaur at 2am.

Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.

I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.

im not a nepo baby, im a REPO baby. and i’m seizing your car! UPDATE: i acknowledge my father’s role as Head Repo Man and how that has awarded me certain privileges in my career. I am learning and growing. no you cannot have your car back

always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car

“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”

Baller is short for ballerina

I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.

At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.

My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.

When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori

Player 1: There goes his funny bone.

Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!

Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!

I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.

Imagine if food was sports

No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.