Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.

Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.

Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*

When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.

You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessert

They would throw the box away while I walked the dog.

You’d think wrong.

American Horror Story: Public Restroom

For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.

The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?

Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.

Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.

Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-

Me: Yes, I know…the drill.

The good news: She actually gave me her number

The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away

You know where I’d like to go?
Missing

*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*

If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.

I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns

My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.

taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night

Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.

back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus

“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.

*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*

Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.

And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.

RoboCop: *about to arrest me*

Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them

RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning

Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!

Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though

On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings

Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.

hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall

You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.

I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.