Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
You Might Also Like
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
My husband is the do-it-yourself type. I asked him to take out the garbage and he said, “do it yourself.”
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
(Seeing two guys i don’t like) Hey, get a load of Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum over there Lol. (Third guy joins) Wow, a meeting of the minds! (Fourth guy) Think Tank alert! Look out! (Fifth) It’s the Marketplace of ideas
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
it’s only wednesday, and i’m being so brave about it
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
cracking the ice cubes out probably feels so good for the ice tray
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
our neighborhoods continue to teem with violent migrant street gangs
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
Explaining to my wife that she should induce labor now so our son will be the first kid named Cybertruck.
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.