Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
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He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
can I use a minion as a tampon
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
A flock of dads is called a grill.
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
Home is where your toilet is.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
Bit strange that the same culture is responsible for both kissing and onion soup. You’d think they’d be incompatible.
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
me whenever anyone asks about my job: yeah i absolutely love hospitality! every day you get the chance to make someone’s day and it’s incredibly rewarding 🙂
me 0.5 seconds into a shift: they should invent a slur for customers
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
I already know how it will end…
One of my children will unplug my life support to charge their phone.
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg