Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.

There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.

I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.

One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.

Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.

I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”

Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.

“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.

In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal

it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this

So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?

(At war) you guys mind if I leave a bit early today?

I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.

Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.

It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.

Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.

Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.

Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.

I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.

Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end

I don’t know what to do

I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk

Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?

If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.

My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to me

I have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell

*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?

Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.

Me: Why, do you hear laughter?

I’m so tired today. If you pulled up next to me in a car & said, “Get in loser. We’re going to–” I’d already be in the car with my seat belt fastened, fast asleep.

911?

~He’s eating Top Ramen!

911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water

~NO! He’s eating it like soup!

911: That’s fucked up

~I KNOW RIGHT

My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.

During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded