Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!

My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.

Updating my dating profile….

My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh

[twirls in a dress made of knives]

Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.

Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.

Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.

Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater

“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.

Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.

I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?

I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.

i’m looking for a hotel to book up north at the end of the month and one of them listed “toilet paper” as an amenity. i hope “running water” is also included.

Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering

I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.

Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.

It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.

[finishing last sip of wine]

waiter: would you like another glass?

me: no just refill this one

Romantic Emotional Stability Level:

I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.

Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.

I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.

Sperm me would be swimming in the other direction

Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.

I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time

Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)

[Conditioning my hair in the shower]

Me: *rings bell*

My hair: *salivates*

Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.

I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.

Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning

[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home

me: point taken lol

guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening