me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
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This is my emotional support online shopping cart
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
I cannot definitively say, even after all I’ve seen, that I would not visit Jurassic Park
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
How to speak Irish…
WHALE
OIL
BEEF
HOOKED(say it fast)
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
[Violently kicking down the door of an elderly care nursing facility]
I NEED VOLUNTEERS TO RUN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
As we head into 2025, remember that 1980 is 20 years ago. We all agreed on this.
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
Buck naked
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?