me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
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My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
I’ve discovered that books are not donuts.
If you make a donut & someone buys it & likes it, they may buy another donut tomorrow.
If you write a book & someone buys it & likes it, they will not buy another copy the next day.
This is the flaw of books or the advantage of donuts
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
Relax. Luxuriate rebelliously.
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
A ghost story
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?