me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
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Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
“If you swallow cherry pits, a cherry tree will grow in your stomach” have you seen cherry prices lately? That sounds like a great way to save money
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
Just left the polling place and they’re…clapping? They’re saying I was the best voter and I was so easy to work with and listened to the instructions so well and I made all the correct choices and no ones ever done it as well as me before. The poll worker lady is crying
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
the last time how i met your mother was on netflix i binge watched it instead of going to class and almost got kicked out of college. its dangerous! beware!
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.