Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
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“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
mocktails are awesome because they ask the question ‘how much could juice cost?’
Called in, “Car’s in the shop, so I’m taking the treadmill this morning. It’s taking forever.”
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
ok this is my dumbest yet
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
they told me I could be anything and then they were like “lmao just kidding, you’re going to be a test subject in mankind’s fifteenth experiment to find out if expensive rent and food makes everyone lose their fucking minds”
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
Dr Raygun has achieved a feat absolutely unheard of in academia – people are reading her thesis
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?