Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”

Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions

I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”

Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.

E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.

Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.

I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.

Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable prices

Cons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press

Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!

about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day

Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?

what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex

Got escorted out of a Chili’s happy hour for what the police are calling a “Weaponized Ponytail”

Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.

I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.

If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.

Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, how

Normal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why

I’m sure it’s fine.

watching gymnastics

Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.

My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package

[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!

My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.

Only people who grew up before the internet will remember these: spelling, grammar and punctuation.

Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.

The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.

Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.

Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls

making my dog give me my pills

Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text

Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft

ME: What if I have a robotic arm?

PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.

ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?

PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.

ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?

PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.

totally get it, nature valley bar, i also pretend to be healthy and then crumble under the slightest pressure