Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
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On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
When do elections stop being the most important ones of our lifetime because I’ve been through like 5 of those
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning