Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
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I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
good let them take over I have had enough
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier