Me: 1yo’s little baby legs are so chonky and sweet. I want to eat them.
3yo: Mommy, NO. We do NOT EAT PEOPLE.
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George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
It’s interesting that the emojis show the earth from three angles 🌎 🌍 🌏 but not the fourth.
Though 🔵 is a fair approximation of what it would look like.
People underestimate the Pacific.
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
Happy Halloween 🎃
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
Can you solve the riddle??
thoughts?
My son doesn’t like when I participate in his slang world lol!
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
