Me: 1yo’s little baby legs are so chonky and sweet. I want to eat them.
3yo: Mommy, NO. We do NOT EAT PEOPLE.
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[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
Me: School tomorrow! Hahahaha!
Child: Work today and for the rest of your life.
Me: Dammit.
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.