Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.

“I can’t lie to you”

You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me

coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?

My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package

[Watching Netflix]

ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.

HIM: What??

ME: What?

dvd? why are the Ds fighting??

Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.

Spice up grocery lists for your partner:

Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea

Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”

Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.

my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie

If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter

*during sex*

Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!

Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving

[ gets death tarot card ]

me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad

blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad

My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.

I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭

me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!

me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!

Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p

Me: did you find the problem?

Plumber: toilet goblin.

Me: a what?

Plumber: *welding the seat lid closed* toilet. goblin.

I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere

-Me about my kid’s toys

While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”

Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?

Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.

My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”

We all like to think we’re smart. Idk why I’ll click and make sure the car is locked just to see the lights go on 2-3x.
Extra lockiness.

By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags

Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?

Me: I was only going one way…

I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.

If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.

The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.