me 2 months after i graduated
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Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
GUYS.
For the past two years the ticket man at my station has baffled me. Some days we get on like a house on fire, chatting about life. Other days he won’t even return a hello…turns out to be a pair of identical twins who both work there.
TWO SEPERATE MEN.
TWO YEARS GUYS.
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
I’ve never undergone actual physical torture but yesterday I was on a Teams call with someone who said “yep, yep” about two dozen times.
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
broke down and did it
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?