me 2 months after i graduated
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*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
The theme park we’re going to in the morning has free unlimited soft drinks. So if my calculations are correct, the kids will have diabetes by 1 pm.
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
I use a wheelchair. I carry a copy of a Stephen King book about a murderous clown. I just roll with IT.
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
My mom just called me “one of the most level headed people she knows” and now I’m deeeeeply concerned about her inner circle
I have a huge to do list I just have to figure out who’s gonna do it
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
Best table by far
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
I like how whispering makes everything sound sexier.. unless you’re saying something like “Can you pass the last slice of pizza” cause the answer is “no, it’s mine”