Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: do you have spaghetti?

mcdonalds cashier: …no

me: would you like some?

What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?

The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.

My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”

Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?

Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches

Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?

Ruffles: bark!

Me: a word to describe shouting an order?

Ruffles: bark!

Friend: he’s just woofing

Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot

My plan to avoid getting lost in the IKEA both succeded and failed. Apparently, when you try to mark your path with swedish meatballs, they quickly find you and escort you out.

If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.

I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone

*knocks on woman’s washroom*

Hello anyone in here?

*no one answers*

*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*

HAHAHA

*runs away giggling*

Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…

It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.

Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD

Me when my kids were little: I hope people like them and they make lots of friends
Me now: WHY ARE MY KIDS’ FRIENDS ALWAYS HERE

I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up

Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.

Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.

white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages

Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!

Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire

[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*

GUY: *cuts me off in traffic

ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon

When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime

Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.

What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool

I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.

Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:

1. Stay together forever
2. Break up

No pressure.

I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…

Wife: is that our guinea pig?

Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn

Wife: why

Me: *whispers* gwyny pig

I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.

One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.