Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.

ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.

THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.

My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.

dude it’s called proctologist

“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.

You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:

a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”

My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.

Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.

*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*

I have 2 kids?!

Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.

Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits

I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.

What

that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say

I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.

Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.

If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.

“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-

[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]

Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—

Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.

If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident

Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.

My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.

*brings donuts to work*

Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.

Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.

Have kids so you can fully appreciate how well your dogs listen.

Dogs don’t think ‘no’ is a suggestion.

Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these

Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*

*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.

“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”