Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?

Me: Um…

PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?

Me: My —

PS: Tummy tuck?

Me: (looking down)

PS: Breast augmentation?

Me: What’s wrong with my —

PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?

Me: (bursts into tears)

Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.

parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”

Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.

You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby

I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now

~ toddlers

[on Wheel of Fortune]

Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__

Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!

Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.

Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD

Buzzer: *beeps*

Studio audience: *groans*

Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.

Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?

Me: I was thinking cremation.

11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?

me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!

8 and I just standing there existing

3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat

[second date]

Me: so… is this your first police chase?

Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”

At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.

Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.

Please follow the instructions

1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass

5) Only do number one

They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.

inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..

[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]

Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?

Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.

Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.

Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.

I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.

ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?

GF: Yep

M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?

Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.

Looking for a plus one for my wedding.

I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.

For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.

[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME