Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?

ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.

Me: I want more

Dentist: excuse me?

Me: you know how you take teeth out?

Dentist: yea

Me: do that but the opposite

There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!

trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”

The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight

Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.

constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one

[pirate ship capturing another ship]

Pirate: Prepare to be bored!

Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?

*pirate opens stamp collection*

“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that

3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in

Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 years

Angel: horses?
God: 20

Angel: cats?
God: 15

Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTY

Angel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about flies

Angel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol

mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format

Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”

Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋

Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway

The lost art of being “wishy washy.”

Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage

Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night

I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.

“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”

– gas station nachos

Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!

Friend: cool

Me: yeah even blood

Friend: um I gotta go

Me: lol no you’re staying

Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.

Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.

How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?

I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.

Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.

Me, literally climbing out of a dumpster: Can I give you some personal advice?

Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself

triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit

No matter how many times I read this, it always makes me happy.

When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.

I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid