Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We are all just prisoners here of our phone device

I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”

I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.

Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees

For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.

People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.

Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.

“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”

– my foot touching anything in the ocean.

*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime

Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?

If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.

FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples

I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.

“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars

[World Cat Conference]

President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*

You should be tunashamed of yourself!

me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada

[Jeopardy]

Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.

Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.

Me: [buzz] what is summer.

Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.

Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.

Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”

Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”

I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.

From Facebook just now…

Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.

Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.

MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.

To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri

‘I just need like two minutes!’

~me, lying

Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man

Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth

My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”

My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth

For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.