Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
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5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home