Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.

FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.

[later]

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?

I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.

My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!

My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.

Don’t take drugs… for granted.

Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life

I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.

I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.

Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.

Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.

Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”

Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away

Theater attendant:
Sir, you can’t bring your own popcorn in here

Me: *pausing microwave
What?

I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”

Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician

7am: *starts diet*

7pm: *eats the house*

I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.

*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…

Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway

Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.

Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.

when movies add that accordion music to scenes set in Paris, they’re actually trying to cover up the fact that every cafe in the city is constantly blasting songs from Now That’s What I Call Music! 4

Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.

I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.

Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.

I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.

bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery

banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*

bank robber: *points gun* not that cool

“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”

– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me

A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing

[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.

Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.