Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.

[on first date]

Let me get that for you.

*holds door open*

“May I help you, sir?”

Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…

glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack

glass half full: It’s only 6 days old

How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet

I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!

I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.

Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹

My safe word is now just a dry cough.

ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked

I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.

“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”

“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”

Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half

Me: I’ll do it

Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily

Me: *crying* He’s good

Wife: What

Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.

one of the dumbest varieties of video you see on social media is the whole “this guy built a complete pub/bar/etc in his home!” thing. a bar is a place you go to that has other people. dress it up however you want you’re still drinking alone in your basement, man

Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.

[inside a tornado]

Dad: wind’s really pickin up

I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it

recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left

This why you should mind your business

My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”

I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.

Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.

Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive

Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it

Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”

Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time

I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.

RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go

my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems

hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺