Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?

Him: Did you poop in the shower?

Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?

H: Well who else could it be?

M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?

H: Oh that makes more sense.

Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole

You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both

Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.

My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?

Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy

i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?

shazam but for whatever the fuck goes on in the apartment upstairs

I’d rather fork than spoon.

6: what’s 3+1?

Me: 4

6: noooo it’s 3

Me: 3+1 is 4

6: nooooo it’s 3

Me:

6: the 1 is silent

I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.

My date wouldn’t let me drive him home after The Substance because “we haven’t been seeing each other long enough” for him to throw up in front of me. He literally just walked home in the rain to vomit with dignity. Five star movie.

I’m not a helicopter mom.

I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.

Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.

Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.

(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*

my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?

me: idk, want me to google it?

him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this

me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree

him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense

Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger

Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”

6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”

*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*

8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”

Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.

[Me getting cut off in traffic]

GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!

[Notices USMC sticker]

AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!

Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.

I get so annoyed when horror movies begin with the family moving to a new house, and the parents say “This place will be good for us. We will finally be happy here.”

But you already know they’re not going to be happy, because the movie is called “The Ghost That Ate Grandma”.

I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.

I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine

Am I romantic?

I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.

So, I don’t know.

You tell me.

I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”

What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.

How to have sexy legs:

*Do lots of squats

*Go running 3x a week

*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg

*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee

*Make sure your legs go all the way up

*You can never have too many toes

*Refrigerate legs when not in use

*Wheels