Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now

MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN

1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE

2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT

3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN

Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?

accidentally became important at work n its ruining my life

Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.

Then tell the lion.

Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes

You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.

DHL: Hi! We popped by!
Me: No you didn’t
DHL: But there wasn’t anyone in!
Me: Yes there was
DHL: Would you like us to divert your parcel to a local service point?
Me: *Sigh* fine
DHL: Well we can’t!

The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day

My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.

Well played brother, well played

Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy

My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy

interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job

me: the company moved

interviewer: where to

me: they didn’t tell me

Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”

my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎

I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…

“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.

My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.

SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin

Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.

was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo

HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF

Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone

The BMI chart says that for my height I should weigh 160 lbs.

My skeleton weighs 160 lbs.

My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.

This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.

Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.

I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.

I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.

Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.

6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.

You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:

“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”

Untitled Goose Game (2019)