Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.

Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”

Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down

Following my previous tweet, I would like to clarify that I am not running for mayor. I meant to say that I was running from the mayor but mistyped because I was running at the time.

“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”

“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”

There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.

Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”

After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet

Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?

Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous

mr. rogers: can you get me a pack of camels

amelia bedelia: *comes back with a caravan*

Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.

Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*

The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea

[ english class ]

me: this is useless, i’m outta here

*20 years later*

judge: please rise for your sentence

me: my what

priest: you may now kiss the pride

me: excuse me?

priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*

Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.

Watch Forrest Gump

*feel inspired

*toss orthotics out, go for jog

*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker

Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?

Me: My bladder mostly.

A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day

Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.

I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane

If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money

A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.

I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.

My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.

coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys

would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”

*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?

I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option

[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]

HER: Aw, this makes my day.

ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.

[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]

Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand