Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your wife is beautiful, is she single?

The prophecy is fulfilled

I have a friend who writes music about sewing machines. He’s a singer songwriter.
Or sew it seams.

ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break

DOCTOR: Your hip

ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break

You’re so cultured I’mma start calling you Yogurt.

Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.

“What is that the trees outside in the wind?”

– Me in bed, wondering what the sound of my dry crusty feet on my sheets is

Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney

i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix

you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins

I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.

spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability

Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.

– things my BF and Uber driver say to me

I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…

please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke

-hearing my dog about to puke

2-year-old: Dad?

Me: What?

2: Are chickens real?

Me:

2:

Me: No one knows.

Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.

According to some “experts” called “doctors”…

You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.

Whatever.

Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?

That’s bullshit.

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?

If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.

Parents: You better eat all of your food, there are children starving in China!

Me: Well, can’t we send them this?

Parents: Go to your room.

Hilariously true story. 🤷😆🤣🤦

me: so I just check out women all day?

grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that

addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother

I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.

Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.

Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.

Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.

All I want for Christmas is you.

Buried in my backyard.

When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”

Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.

Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?