Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
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enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Just tried a “sorry this is my first day” to a customer’s question and he was like I saw you here two weeks ago!
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
It must be so weird to be straight or gay.. like ur just not attracted to half of hot people?
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash