Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw

My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.

Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.

I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy

QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:

1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?

I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing

*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.

My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.

Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty

Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch

POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going

“So sorry” – Actually sorry

“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry

“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all

“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me

Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.

[first day as a midwife]

ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!

NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.

When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…

to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.

“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior

Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy

There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.

You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.

“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort

Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.

Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.

There should be something just for fun on the ballot, like voting for the best flavor of ice cream . I think that would get a lot of people really excited to get involved

I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.

Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.

0/10. Do not recommend.

It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.

There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”

People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄

Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?

Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”

Is it the “S” or the “C?”

Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish

Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else