ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
You Might Also Like
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
mentally somewhere in italy
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
your elf on the shelf was delicious
Stop sending me this shit.
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
Wishing all the contacts in my phone “Merry Christmas, I hope you get what you deserve” and just letting that work itself out
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.