Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?

Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.

New friend- What do you do for a living?

Me- Disappoint my family.

[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.

Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.

A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.

Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.

You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.

Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.

Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]

Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.

Who called them Underpants ?

And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?

I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.

Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!

Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?

I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.

😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂

Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…

Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!

Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?

In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green

Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?

[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.

Just know I tried.

when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.

Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.

you are so beautiful without makeup.

-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.

I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.

Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.

When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.

I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.

When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.

Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.

Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.

It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws

Looking forward to Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck getting back together again in 2044.