Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.

I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?

My bank account: Yes

It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.

The more you know.

Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?

Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮

“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”

OMG, you mean this isn’t it.

And that’s how the fight started.

Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00

(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”

“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”

“FALSE ADVERTISING!”

I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.

robbers: [leaving with my tv]

me: WAIT

robbers:

me: can you close the door

My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!

Me: Impressive feet!

i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.

Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food

Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.

This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.

“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”

-Families making Christmas plans in 2020

Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.

me: do you have these but in the pretzel version

pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank

The only time I’ll care about Basketball:

2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 Single

Reward me for consistency please

Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.

Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.

Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.

You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge

It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.

medium: so you want to contact your wife

me: I can still hear her voice

wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin

me: it’s like she’s watching me

wife: [through window] I forgot my keys

“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”

When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”

[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper