ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
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Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
Listening to music and explicit lyrics play.
In my 20s: *turns song up and sings along loudly with it*
In my 40s: *changes song* Do they have to cuss so much?
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
That earthquake could have been an email.
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.