ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
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People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
boys are so easy to impress
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
They say if you see something, say something. Of course they’ll tell you to go be crazy somewhere else, but still.
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.