Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days

Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.

Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”

person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???

Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.

But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.

I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time

Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..

I said , “The red runny type”.

i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won

[first day as a spelling bee judge]

Me: your word is Sarcasm

Him: can you use it in a sentence please?

Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence

joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people

batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you

joker:

batman:

joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?

Cop: I need another ticket book.

Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?

Her: No!

Me: Awww, cmon!

Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.

My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.

Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see

Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*

Cashier: you must be single?

Me: yes, lol. How did you know?

Cashier: you’re ugly.

Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?

Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.

Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.

I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.

it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube

I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.

I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.

Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.

Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.

Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.

me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-

Other people on life raft: please stop

Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.

creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen

The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.

First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.

Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME