Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
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Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector