Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!

Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!

Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!

Boss:…

*our eyes lock and we kiss*

my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.

Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”

This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.

Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field

I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.

Grow up never but we old may grow we

Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.

“Is this your resume?”

Yes

“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”

Yes

“Welcome to UPS!”

if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day

Fun Fact:

Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.

LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay over

LETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over

My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.

Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath

if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style

So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.

Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…

Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.

In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.

My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake

Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin

Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no

“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*

I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.

Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs

Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.

Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?

My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.

*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*

why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane

[at airport]

TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.

ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning

Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.