me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
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My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
Crow just flew by me carrying a whole bagel in his mouth and I cheered at the sky like my son just won a sports scholarship
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
you gotta be faster
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
My son can not believe he graduated from kindergarten & he still gotta go back to school😂😂😂he thought that shit was over
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.