Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

reduce, reuse, recycle

A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.

Daughter: You’re invading my personal space

Mom: You came out of my personal space

No, Karen ….

Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.

The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.

if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.

Me: I did a line!

Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo

Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what

I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.

My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.

Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.

Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.

Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.

Twitter account is my serious account.

The funny one is my bank account.

The first pyramid scheme was when the Egyptians took credit for the pyramids that were clearly built by dinosaurs.

Police officer: You get to make one phone call.

Me: Do I have to?

Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like ‘that explains it.’

Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.

*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP

would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this

WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.

Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?

Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking

Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.

I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.

They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.

What time will the Easter candy be discounted?

CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.

Ok. I’ll call back later.

my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse

Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.

I may appear calm on the outside…

…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.

My friend is an excellent librarian.

am i a vampire? i :

– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake