Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*

It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime

Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…

If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was

Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work

me: my fish is very dry

waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water

me: smart

I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?

Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired

Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?

Ex Girlfriend:…

Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!

COP: It’s 4/20

ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!

COP: Then you’re under arrest

ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!

COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?

ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there

HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?

My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?

*Flashback to 2014*

My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.

Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.

Me: *Sitting in traffic*

Cop: Get back in your car

People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.

I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.

PSA:

Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends

Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…

MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]

[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?

So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.

I want to know about the Oreo incident…

I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site

I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.

Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾

I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long

Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands

People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.

Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”

I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.

I couldn’t live off of that celery.

Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*

Husband: *cries*