Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
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*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
live, laugh, laundry.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
Ｙｏｕ＇ｌｌ ｄｉｅ ｓｏｏｎ
“OMG HOW”
Ｈｏｌｄ ｏｎ Ｉ ｈａｖｅ ａｎｏｔｈｅｒ ｃａｌｌ
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
Previously On Persistence 😎
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE