Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.

I’m so sorry

You can make friends in a doctor’s waiting room as long as you have something broken and not something coughing

At Walmart during the holidays like..

To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”

Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter

I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO

Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.

The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.

Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up

“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.

How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.

I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.

Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black

Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.

Watching Unsolved Mysteries and getting mad when they don’t solve the mystery at the end

If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.

Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.

Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.

Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!

My husband breaking the news to my kids: We’re probably not going anywhere this weekend.
My kids: NOOOOO!
Me: ʸᵉˢˢˢˢ

Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.

Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*

My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances

“Twister 3” should be told from a cow’s POV.

If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’

is it too early for christmas memes

She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.

[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle

If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…

7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!

A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”

A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”

I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.