Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
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CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
I’ve only been married for six months now, but after much studying and counseling I’ve come to the conclusion that the key to a successful marriage can be summed up in two words: strategic farting
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
Your honor my client doesn’t like jail
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
I hope this email punches you square in the face
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO