Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
You Might Also Like
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.