Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
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I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
Be the one that gets asked to remove the hockey mask, during a conference call, on Friday the 13th.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
The hardest thing Vision has to do
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”