Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?

[wife is gone]

me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings

10: did mom say you could?

me: it’s my house too!

10: but did she tell you that you could do that?

me: I can do what I want

10: I’m texting mom

[someone breaks into the house]

Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings

My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY

Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.

new app: may we send you notifications?

me: sure

app: *sends notification*

me: oh hell no

My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.

[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?

Me: *smiling from ear to ear*

Plastic surgeon: My bad.

We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.

Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.

Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.

oh so when Moo Deng bites people and falls over she’s “a social media sensation” but when I do it I am “bringing a weird energy to my coworker’s gender reveal party”

“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”

Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.

Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?

If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.

Carry on floating head selfie chick.

“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”

Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?

At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.

I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg

me: I heard this cemetery was haunted

caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything

I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver

Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.

Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.

*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday

Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake

Missed Connection:

I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.

“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”

“I have none.”

“I don’t believe that.”

“It’s true, I have no friends.”

#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe

Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.

Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.

Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”