Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
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Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
So the ex texted me
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
If I have to use a revolving door, there’s an 80% chance I’ll come out the same side I went in.
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.