Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.

My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…

Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.

These are dark times.

~me, everyday at 4pm

Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose

Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.

FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”

I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.

Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.

Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.

No, you hang up first.

Me to Pizza Hut

[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°

If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.

Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.

My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣

my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’

When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was

How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler

I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional network

LinkedIn Park

4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.

Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.

4: Want to trade?

What is a magic bullet?

A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy

I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM

Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.

Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime

[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?

*at plastic surgery consultation*

Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”

Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”

Mike Tyson’s apartment building

Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.

Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????

Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?

Wolfman: Silver bullets

Frankenstein: Fire

Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.

Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN