Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
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My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
Eating cauliflower crackers: these don’t even taste like cauliflower
10 minutes later after belching: Ope there it is
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
My husband reached for his black hat from the hats and gloves basket that we keep by the front door, except it was the cat.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
had my yearly physical and the dr signed me up for flu & covid vaccine and i had to tell her no & explain i am not an antivaxer i just always get my covid shot the night before the phillies have an afternoon playoff game so i can use my vaccine pto to stay home from work to watch
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
My newest way to win marital arguments is to interrupt and say “as your legal counsel” and then state my point. It hasn’t worked yet and seems to make him madder but I think with the right amount of persistence I’ll crack the code.
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.