Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
You Might Also Like
The real reason evolution started..😂
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
My doctor says I’ve got to give up poorly thought out fruit-based jokes.
I was peachless when he told me.
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
Grew big
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!