Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Afterlife]

Bird 1: All he had was one rock.

Bird 2: His aim was perfection.

McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?

Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?

McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again

Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES

Also me: is 40

If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?

them: if you could, what three words would you tell your younger self?

me: marry a chiropractor

You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.

[mall]

Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.

Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no

Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!

Put on my glasses….

Damn it!

My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.

My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”

“How do you find anything in here?!”

-my mugger, giving my purse back

There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.

Note from 5yo:

“I need help with my meth.”

I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.

I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.

Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?

Me: Janet Jackson. Always.

A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣

Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.

I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?

me: we named you after our favorite films

paul blart: i hate you

wife: you should be proud of your names

paul blart 2: you’re monsters

I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.

I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.

me: *using chocolate coins as currency*

clerk: those are not legal tender

me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth

*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back

People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me

In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.

Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.

*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?

My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.

me: can you turn into this mcdonald’s

my uber, bumblebee: i can only do robot