Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
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Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
Me: how are you
Friday: good
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
[ouija board]
“helo??”
ＹＯＵＲ… ＳＰＩＲＩＴ…
“shh its working”
ＷＩＬＬ… ＡＰＰＥＡＲ…
“omg”
ＡＦＴＥＲ… ＴＨＩＳ… ＡＤ…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.