Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
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Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it鈥檚 like to lose your child at the mall
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
if your name is Christy and you鈥檙e fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 馃檨
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn鈥檛 stop talking I wouldn鈥檛 remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I鈥檓 here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.