@Shade510

Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.

Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.

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@knot_eye

I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.

@AimeeHelene1

I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.

@stockejock

Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.

@EndhooS

[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]

@ohen39

[at the mall]
santa: have you been naughty or nice this year?
me: *stops smiling and gets off santa’s lap* I want my lawyer.

@IvoryGazelle

Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”

@Sorrowscopes

Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.

@mrjohndarby

went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security

@Storminika

Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.

@CountMackula

Sorry I called your baby ugly

I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”