I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
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I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
[at the mall]
santa: have you been naughty or nice this year?
me: *stops smiling and gets off santa’s lap* I want my lawyer.
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”