Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
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#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
You learn something every day
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”