Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
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The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
Enjoying a few cups of coffee at my enormous kitchen island while being scrutinized by my two friends, one of whom has a torso that is physically inside the island
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?