Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.

My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.

So I went to the Doctors yesterday to ask him if he could give me anything for awful wind.
He handed me a kite !!
#mondaymirth

All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.

My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.

SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”

ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”

“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:

I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.

impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.

I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.

I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.

2017: It can’t get worse than this

DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment

You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical

thoughts?

Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?

Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.

I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”

true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”

My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.

[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.

in college, i was on a first date with a guy and like 10 minutes into the convo he asks me if i would change my major to education so as to homeschool our future children. i was like wtf no way and now 15 years later he just looked at my linkedin profile.

I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.

I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field

Happy return of “yes of course it’s bedtime see how dark it is outside” to all parents who celebrate

this full container of cheese balls just rolled out of somebody’s truck onto the road

*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*

Reasons my toddlers cried this weekend:

-It stopped raining outside
-My wife asked them if they wanted to go to the playground
-I took the “wrong” bite of my sandwich
-I helped my 4 y/o for to many minutes

I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.

People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT

When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID

They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.

Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]

I work at Home Depot.

White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers

Me: Thank you for that information

Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?

Tamale guy: yes

Me: I’ll take three