Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“And this is my creepy husband, John.”

(The way my friend should introduce her husband)

From the videos I’ve seen lately, I only need a few simple steps to renovate my kitchen:

Step 1. Come into a large inheritance

My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.

“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”

*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*

“Screw this!”

If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.

the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken

How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere

And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”

would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole

My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.

The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February

Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.

Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.

Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home

Brownies: you lied

in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”

Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.

Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.

boss: you’re fired

me: [pausing tiktok] why

Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs

Deleting my dating apps to meet someone the old fashioned way, his best friend moves in next door and he ignores me at a party only to propose to me and I say I hate him but then I see his house and he gets my idiot sister out of a jam and his aunt yells at me

Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.

The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds

In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.

In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.

oh you like road-trips? name every road then

ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died

BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year

ME: yeah she’s a cat

For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.

Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.

I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.

me: why can’t I crack this egg open

wife: because it’s a lemon

me: first my car and now this

*eats pizza out of box in bed

*falls asleep

*wakes up next to leftover pizza

Voila! Breakfast in bed!

*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?